This tumblr post by sammyhale sums up perfectly where Sam is at right now and
it's as dark and devastating as can be. :-( Am so glad we are finally get some Sam POV and love watching Jared get to play this side of Sam but. oh god. it hurts almost too damn much!
I need to talk about Sam Winchester for a second, and how much I loved what we saw in 13x11 “Breakdown.” It’s hard to see him hurting, but I am so grateful we got to actually see him talk about it a little bit and see the hope beginning to crack and crumble. We know he’s struggling, and now we’re finally getting to see it.
Jared mentioned at SDCC that Sam’s hope was also covering up the pain Sam was really feeling. And as we all know, you can only shove things down deep long enough before they bubble over. Within a matter of a few days, Sam and Dean came this close to finding Mary and helping her to everything blowing up in their faces and leaving Kaia, the girl who (was forced) to help them and who then went with Claire into the Bad Place to try and help them and ended up dying for it.
Dean was in a dark place when the season started and Sam had to maintain that faith and hope for them both. Dean even tells him that. Now, seeing that Dean has regained some of his own hope, Sam doesn’t have to worry about being the “strong” one and stops shoving back at any of the doubt or negative feelings (insert long conversation about Sam’s depression and reluctance to get out of bed here) like he was. Those feelings make him closed off and obviously sad and despondent.
Sam cares for Jack, and they lost him in the apocalypse world, where (as far as the brothers know) he could be with Lucifer and is trapped. Not only is he worried about Jack, but that also means that the possibility of saving their mom just plummeted, and Sam is coming to terms that maybe they won’t be able to save Mary. Then, Kaia is killed. All of this happens in a matter of a couple days after Sam spent so much time clinging to hope. And for what? To only have loved and/or innocent ones hurt, dead, or gone.
It all built up to a breaking point, and in tonight’s episode, Sam was given the opportunity to show (even just a little bit) how he’s hurting and suffering. I mean, even the way he reacted when the guy almost shot him. Sam looked terrified, and that’s because he had zero hope of survival, zero hope that Dean or anybody was going to save him. Because he accepted that it was inevitable that it was going to end bloody - just like he told Dean later in the car how it always does.
I’m glad we got a taste of that, and I hope the way the episode ended will lead to at least a scene or conversation in the next (or upcoming episodes) where Sam gets to open up even more; that’s the only way he would ever have a chance of dealing with that pain at all.
Also, kudos to Jared for always nailing Sam’s everything. He was fantastic tonight :)